Dead Messiah Sketch
by Belthizor
Summary: Based off and basically a re-written version of Monty Python's "Dead Parrot" also known as "Pet Shop" sketch. Read at your own risk.


CUSTOMER: _enters 'Ye Old Roman Crucifixion Shoppe' lugging an obviously dead man in a large man-sized cage and rings counter bell - a cow's bell._ "I wish to register a complaint."

SHOPKEEPER: _busy fumbling around with something behind the counter and appears not to have noticed the customer_

CUSTOMER: _Obviously annoyed that he has been ignored_ "'Ello, Miss?"

SHOPKEEPER: _Immediately straightens up with a start, looking highly suspicious and guilty. Sounds of goats can be heard behind the counter. The Shopkeeper stares at the customer_. "What do you mean 'miss'?"

CUSTOMER: _pauses, looking at the shopkeeper suspiciously_ "What were you just doing?"

SHOPKEEPER: _obviously nervous quickly counters_ "I wasn't doin' nothin'."

CUSTOMER: "Yes you were, I just saw you-"

SHOPKEEPER: _The Shopkeeper cuts the customer off quickly before his questioning can go any further_ "...What do you mean 'miss'?"

CUSTOMER: _obviously confused_ "I beg your pardon?"

SHOPKEEPER: "You called me 'miss' when you walked in my shop not 2 minutes ago"

CUSTOMER: "I'm sorry, I have the plague. I wish to make a complaint!"

SHOPKEEPER: "Sorry, we're closin' for Solstice"

CUSTOMER: "Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this Crucifiable Messiah what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique."

SHOPKEEPER: "Oh yes, the, uh, the King of the Jews...what's uh... what's wrong with him? _The shopkeeper looks furtively around as if seeking a quick exit from the situation, but the Customer is quick to intercept_

CUSTOMER: "I'll tell you what's wrong with him, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with him!"

SHOPKEEPER: _The Shopkeeper barely conceals an audible snicker_ "No, no, 'e's not dead, e's uh,... he's resting that's all"

CUSTOMER: _Not missing the obvious snicker_ "What was that for?"

SHOPKEEPER: "What was what? Sir." _The latter word added as an almost afterthought_

CUSTOMER: "What was that noise you just made?" _The customer replied, somehow, for all his attentiveness, missing the afterthought-added "Sir"_

SHOPKEEPER: "What noise? I didn't make no noise. You musta made it. I didn't make no noise."

CUSTOMER: _By this stage confused, decides to drop the subject_ "I didn't make the noise you did - oh never mind! Look, matey, I know a dead messiah when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now."

SHOPKEEPER: "No, no he's eh he's not dead, he's, he's restin', y'know! Remarkable messiah, the King of the Jews, idn't he, ay? Beautiful plumage!"

CUSTOMER: "The plumage don't enter into it... he doesn't even HAVE any plumage!"

SHOPKEEPER: "Yes 'e does!"

CUSTOMER: "If he has plumage, then where is it?"

SHOPKEEPER: _The Shopkeeper comes out from behind the counter and lifts up the messiah's robes_ "Right 'ere! See?" _points to an area not normally shown to the public_

CUSTOMER: "Oh, so he does... Oh. I see... Well, regardless of that fact, the plumage don't enter into it. 'E's being stoned dead"

SHOPKEEPER: "No, no! He's... he's resting!"

CUSTOMER: "All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! _Shouting at the cage_ 'ELLO, MISTER HEBREW KING! I'VE GOT A NICE FRESH BANANA FOR YOU IF YOU..." _Shopkeeper kicks the large cage_

SHOPKEEPER: "There, he moved!"

CUSTOMER: "No, he didn't, you kicked the cage!"

SHOPKEEPER: "I never!!"

CUSTOMER: "Yes, you did! Just like you were up to something behind that counter when I came in..."

SHOPKEEPER: "I never, never did anything... 'specially with no goat..."

CUSTOMER: _The customer chooses to ignore this last remark and continues his tirade, yelling and kicking the cage repeatedly_ "'ELLO JEBUS!!!!! Wakey! Wakey! This is your mid-day alarm call! _further bangs the cage on the counter before heaving it in the air, scrambling out of the way and watching as it plummets to the floor._ Now that's what I call a dead messiah."

SHOPKEEPER: "No, no... 'E's stunned!"

CUSTOMER: "STUNNED?!?" _Obviously not believing the determined shopkeeper_

SHOPKEEPER: "Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Jewish Kings stun easily."

CUSTOMER: "Now look! Don't play the slippery eel with me. That messiah is definitly deceased, and when I purchased him not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that his total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out after a long 'healing session'."

SHOPKEEPER: "Well, he's...ah...he's probably pining for the fjords."

CUSTOMER: "PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did he fall flat on his face the moment I got 'im home?"

SHOPKEEPER: "The King of the Jews prefers kipping on 'is face! Remarkable saviou, id'nit, eh, major? Beautiful plumage!"

CUSTOMER: "Look, Tosh, I took the liberty of examining this 'saviour' when I got 'im home, and I discovered that the only reason he was still sitting upright in this cage in the first place, was that he had been NAILED there. And it wasn't a very good job, either - his arms came off too easily. _pause_ You promised me a two-fer-one deal - one living messiah for 2000 denahs, and a free cross."

SHOPKEEPER: "Well you got your deal - you got your messiah, and now you're cross..." _seeing the unimpressed and murderous look on the Roman customer's face, the shopkeeper wisely abandoned the joke_. "Well, o'course he was nailed there! Listen, if I hadn't nailed that messiah down, he would have muscled those bars, bent 'em apart with 'is little... you know _The shopkeeper winks knowingly, referring to the plummage_, and VOOM!"

CUSTOMER: "Sadly, I **do** know... What do you mean, by 'VOOM'?!?"

SHOPKEEPER: _offers no explanation other than_ "Voom!"

CUSTOMER: "Mate, this messiah wouldn't "voom" if you set my mother-in-law and four million volts through 'im! 'E's bleedin' demised!"

SHOPKEEPER: "No, no! 'E's pining!"

CUSTOMER: "'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This messiah is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone ot meet 'is maker! That great 'benevolent' THING in the sky! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace (unfortunately). If you hadn't nailed 'im to the cage floor, 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'E's of the twig. 'E's curled up his tootsies, 'e's shuffled off this mortal coil. 'E's run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! 'E fucking snuffed it! Vis-a-vis the metabolic processes, 'es had 'is lot! All statements to the effect of this messiah is still a going concern, are from now on inoperative. THIS IS AN EX-SAVIOUR OF MAN!!" _Pause as the customer composes himself_

SHOPKEEPER: "What does it matter if 'e's dead, anyway? You were only goin' to crucify him at dawn anyway."

CUSTOMER: "That's not the point! We promised the public we'd crucify a thief, an honest man and a messiah. We've got the thief and the honest man, we just need a LIVE messiah! We can't deny the public what we promised. If we did, we'd never 'ear the end of it!"

SHOPKEEPER: _resignedly, the shopkeeper concedes the customer's point_. "Well. Well, I'd better replace it then." _He ducks behind the counter and we once again, hear the bleating of a goat_.

CUSTOMER: "And leave that bleedin' goat alone!!" _Then more to himself than anyone else_ "If you want to get things done right you have to complain until you're blue in the face and frothing at the mouth!"

_The shopkeeper reappears, looking mighty sheepish and mumbling several profanities under his breath_

CUSTOMER: "What's the news?"

SHOPKEEPER: "Well word is it, they're gonna execute a messiah tomorrow morn at dawn -" _he is quickly cut off by the customer_

CUSTOMER: "I know that! I told you that myself!! Now have you got another messiah or not?"

SHOPKEEPER: "Well, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of messiahs"

CUSTOMER: "I see. I see. I get the picture."

SHOPKEEPER _pause_ "I got a Pagan heretic."

_Another pause_

CUSTOMER: "Does it speak Hebrew?"

SHOPKEEPER: "No, but he speaks Latin!"

CUSTOMER: "Well that will have to do then. I'll have that one."

{And thus was the first Pagan ostracised and the persecution and execution of all Pagans ordered and began.}

NOTE: THIS SKETCH IS IN NO WAY INTENDED TO BE HISTORICAL, NOR IS IT MEANT TO OFFEND. IT WAS MERELY CREATED FOR AMUSEMENT PURPOSES ONLY.


End file.
